Dungeon Crawl Classics - Champions of the Goblin Market 01

[00:00:00] The Rancors Brothel presents... DUNGEON CRAWL! DUNGEON CRAWL! DUNGEON CRAWL! DUNGEON CRAWL! DUNGEON CRAWL! DUNGEON CRAWL! big fan of like, you know, artificially intelligent made art, you know, especially because DCC is so full of like that old school hand drawn shit, right?

[00:03:39] And he was like, Hey, I don't really know blah, blah, blah. You know, I'm a new publisher. I don't even know what to do. And what's interesting is some of the DCC folks, I think particularly Bob Brinkman

[00:03:47] reached out to him and is like, here's how you hire artists. Here's how you look out for stuff. And by the way, I've sent it on to some of the DCC guys. And so yeah, you're going to have to change your pledges and you're going to

[00:03:56] pay him a little bit more. But like, here's how you can get actual hand drawn art for your stuff. So he canceled his Kickstarter, revamped it and came back like a month later or something like that. And now it's all hand drawn art.

[00:04:08] And so people went bat shit crazy about it because it's a really cool adventure and he's doing I have back two other things that I think he's done now. He's going to do a whole like adventure book in this legends of lore.

[00:04:19] But it's all it's all interior art with like hand drawn maps and stuff. I suppose an interesting anecdote to share because it's it's neat to see communities have a difference of agreement and like work through it as a group and for him to be like,

[00:04:33] yeah, I shouldn't have done this. But I also didn't know how to do it. And for people to like step up and say, hey, here we'll help you out. And like, yeah, not just work through it, but actually support them through it and help them. Right.

[00:04:44] And folks like me were all of a sudden were like, hey, yeah, no. OK, so your book went up by a couple bucks or like you had to you had to go back to the drawing board.

[00:04:51] And I'm like, yeah, now we'll support it because this is like, first off, this cover is gorgeous. And it's like what's his name? Steven Pogue, I think is his name. Like and I've got the second one in this series and I just kick started the third

[00:05:02] one in this series. So it's really, really cool. So anyway, props to Matt Funk, because I think a lot of times if people reject your ideas, you just pick up your toys and go home or say, screw you.

[00:05:12] And props to the community for reaching out to him anyway. So this is the first in a series of adventures. Where do we want to start? Big thing that I need to know first. You are in a town in the wilderness, far out into the woods.

[00:05:30] Would any of your characters it's it's midsummer and you're specifically out here because this town is well known for its midsummer celebration. Are your characters members of this small community or are you visiting the small community because of their midsummer celebration? Really doesn't matter. Just curious.

[00:05:49] I don't know what kind of what kind of community is it? It is a rural farming community like you're on the like if this were drawn on a map just beyond this small community is here there be dragons kind of shit here. There be goblins.

[00:06:03] I mean, can some of our people be here and some be visiting? Yeah, sure. I mean, I would assume my farmer is probably bringing goods to sell or have sold goods to the community to use for celebration.

[00:06:15] Just think the fortune teller could be coming here trying to make money. For sure. You don't have to necessarily decide right now. It's just a question you need to sort of mentally answer as we get started. So if anybody wants to make a declaration, they can.

[00:06:29] If not, figure it out as we go. I also should point out, I guess that Jeff is using the scratch off zero level character sheets because he arrived late and didn't have any characters prepared. And what we've decided is that Jeff is only going to scratch off

[00:06:41] skills as they become important. So all he knows right now is his occupation. But we've decided and I did name them and give them alignments. OK, you did name them and give them alignments. But otherwise it's just going to be a surprise of what equipment you

[00:06:53] have when it comes time to scratch it off. It's going to be awesome. I agree. I think it's going to be very exciting. Don't forget if you do end up with like a luck modifier that you need to look up here. Lucky roll. Your birth auger.

[00:07:03] Yeah, I know. You might want to scratch log just to know if you need augers. Basically, you need to roll if it's anything that's not a zero. I need to roll one. Does it not have it on there already? Oh, yeah, I guess it probably does.

[00:07:19] Nothing that's going to have any effect this this level, but it could it could know this actually is a relatively the settlement is actually relatively new. The first kingdom start first started laying claim to this forest about 100 years ago.

[00:07:38] And so that's when the first sort of farming communities took shape. So it's still like a very young farming community. It is it was discovered that an ancient battle, the Battle of Kraut and Field took place nearby.

[00:07:54] So for the last decade or so, it's kind of become a that's been one of its claims to fame because it was a very large battle from ancient times. And so lots of travelers come to these places and they're

[00:08:06] travelers come to the local inn, which is the Darling Damsel. So if you're not local, you're staying at the Darling Damsel. And that would brought artisans, scholars, et cetera. But yes, this is way out in the middle of no. So something you can think about as we go.

[00:08:24] I have a cobbler and a woodcutter that are probably from here. OK, I would imagine my grave digger and my farmer probably are what do dyers do again? You're just working with working with fabric. Yeah. So you're not a tailor.

[00:08:38] You're just dying the guy you're probably you're making whole bolt cloth to sell. Yeah. Gotcha. So we have rival dyers and two rival grave diggers from two different cemeteries. Everybody's already dead. Yeah. With a thriving community of 70 people, the grave digger probably isn't needed all that. Yeah.

[00:08:56] But he's super eager whenever he is. Somebody coughs in the tavern and you see him hold up his shovel. I'm not sure that the the sage and the astrologer maybe just traveling through. That's fair. I would imagine my fortune teller is traveling. Absolutely.

[00:09:15] But I don't know if you ever seen you ever seen a fistful of dollars. Anybody? There's a there's a moment where Clint Eastwood is walking by and you see the coffin maker like is sizing him up and then you see him make a slight whittling adjustment to

[00:09:30] the coffin that he's working on. Same thing. Grave diggers thinks about which plot he's going to go in. Okay. So and the other reason why I really wanted to run this adventure and one of the reasons why I bought it, you

[00:09:45] all have reason for being in the small crossroad town of Thorpe. For fuck sake. It is Midsummer Eve, which has brought the sleepy town stirring to vibrant life. To those of you who are local, you know that it is as you approach Midsummer.

[00:10:02] It's also potentially worrying because you it is known that the Fae occupy the hills. King the the Fae Kingdoms in deathless sleep dream terrible things and where you hear the cry of people who are dying to live. And I think that's a very good thing.

[00:10:21] I think that's a very good thing. I think that's a very good thing. I think it's one of the most terrible things and where you hear the cry of monsters and otherworldly creatures screaming through the screaming through the forest. Because obviously as you approach Midsummer, magic

[00:10:37] is at its wildest. So anything you'd like to do in the town of Thorpe, I want to go see the statue of the guy that the place is named after. It seems to be a a go F. Go F Thorpe. He's a hectic fella. What?

[00:10:58] He's a hectic fella. Goffrey Thorpe. I'm too busy laughing at the idea of my halfling walking around with his 10 foot pole. You've got it anchored low to your back and then there's still like seven and a half feet shooting through the air.

[00:11:16] He's got three yards of cloth, so it's probably just like how very anime of you. It's like a massive fucking flag. Would you like to go around and introduce your characters? Sure. Who you are, what you're doing, why you're in the basement.

[00:11:34] I ask myself that every time I'm here. I can do this at home. I literally do this at home. I have an astrologer named Seer. An elven sage. The elf part doesn't really matter. Zero level. It's a sage named Foggy. A halfling dire named Tent and a grave

[00:11:53] digger named Taker. I've got a fortune teller named Hamich Anders. A farmer named Amos Winston. A grave digger named Ashtis Oban. And a halfling dire named Giles Ever. I have a mercenary named Tom. A cobbler named Dick. A woodcutter named Harry. And a dwarven blacksmith named Dibble Brashrocks.

[00:12:24] Yep, yep, yep. That sounds about right. Should've seen that coming. I don't think this is the first time you've played DCC with a Tom, Dick and Harry. It probably is. I'm pretty sure you know. I should have made it another Steve. A Tom, Dick or Harry. Any Tom.

[00:12:41] Harry or Dick. I like musicals but that's a solid song. I found that character sheet this morning when I was trying to find an empty blank one. Steve's sheet. Steve didn't make it man. Everybody else did. Oh god, best ending of a DCC ever.

[00:12:59] As you are enjoying the revelry in the woods throughout the town of Thorpe, people are excited. Happy to have so many people in town. Happy to have an influx of gold. People are selling trinkets. Ale is flowing freely. It's a good time.

[00:13:20] Until you hear the cries of horror from the from the Darling Damsel. You hear screams and crying. My girls, where are my girls? Has anyone seen my girls? To those of you who know the person screaming this would be Beru the dairy farmer

[00:13:40] and she has two girls, Kylie and Maddie Thistledow. Is the milk blue? Not usually. Depends on the phase of the moon. But she's screaming that she hasn't seen her girls since this morning. She's wondering if anyone has seen them. No, but I bet the fey ate them.

[00:13:59] This causes her, I don't know which of your characters is speaking Jeff. Probably the dwarf. This causes her to weep uncontrollably. Gravedigger just grabs your shovel. A little soberly, but he's got it. He said they ate them dumbass. There's nothing left. Still plant a headstone.

[00:14:20] There's not a lot of grave to dig if you're just putting up a headstone. Tell me my business, devil woman. The owner of the Darling Damsel, Hob Kingsley, attempts to console Beru. But everybody knows it would be completely mad to try and chase down these girls

[00:14:43] no matter how much gold or glory is involved. No, I've got a mercenary. He's all about the golden glory. How much golden glory is involved? Well, the veil around Thorpe is well known for fey, magic, gold, danger and death. It just depends on what combination you find.

[00:15:06] Townsfolk are poor. So are my people. But the day is new, the sun is up, adventure is nigh. If the day is new they haven't been gone all day. That's true. They'll come back, they're kids. Well where did you last see them?

[00:15:24] She hasn't seen them since early in the morning. I did not answer the question. The question was where. They're farmers' kids. Who knows where they're playing. I believe they are 12 and 14, 10 and 12, something like that. How close is the farm to the veil?

[00:15:41] I mean the farms would be right up against the forest. Oh, that's an unfortunate placement. It's like you've seen The Witch, right? Or The Vivich. Kind of like that. It is a good movie. I enjoyed it. It's not your typical horror movie. No, no.

[00:16:02] What are you scratching, cheater? I'm finishing up scratching off the lucky roll. I saw that it involved spell checks, so I knew I wouldn't have to worry about it right now. Unless somebody tries to cast a ginch. True. So yeah. Cool.

[00:16:20] Would you like to stomp off into the woods for adventure and glory to try and find these two lost girls? It's really a short night if we don't. That is accurate. Fuck them kids. Fuck them kids. Editor, roll the outro.

[00:16:37] We just paint fuck them kids on my flag that's on my back and then I just start marching off. Yeah, let's go. As the town folk disperse and begin looking for them, there are some folks who begin to see signs that the girls did disappear into the thicket

[00:16:58] of the Arden Hills. So they definitely have... There is a direction to point in which they headed. But none of the townsfolk of Thorpe, outside of potentially your county, show any signs of being willing to enter the wood on Midsummer Eve. Let's do it.

[00:17:18] Yeah, the woodcutter will probably leave people in there. Okay. Your mercenary wouldn't. Mercenaries waiting to get paid. You'll get paid until you're done. That's not how mercenaries work. That's how this game works. So the woodcutter begins leading folks into the wood? Yes. Onward. Okay.

[00:17:41] The Arden Hills are thickly wooded by oak, cedar and elm. And within as you begin to march through the woodcutter would know there are many crumbling ravines of pale stone, areas of high grass, and everything is just unbelievably hot even under the shade of the trees.

[00:18:01] It is unpleasant. I have a chicken in case we need to check for traps. Distinctive and haunting are the hot moaning winds that whip the grass and rattle the trees. Smells of dust and pollen swirl in these wooded canyons, making this smell like an old land.

[00:18:18] Sounds of wailing winds come and go, but the cheer of cicadas, buzz of mud wasp, and hum of midges is constant. Bird calls are non-existent. It's fucking weird in here. So it's swampy. I would say it's a little bit more like a desert.

[00:18:35] I would say swamp is not a bad... Like, I don't know how wet it is, but the sort of like... I'm thinking the sort of... The constant buzz of midges and whatever. They gotta have somewhere to come from. You're not gonna say that word anymore? Huh?

[00:18:54] He's worried about his people getting their feelings hurt. I don't think you can say that word anymore. Just tell them to say it to your face, Jeff. It almost seems like it's the kind of place that with the long heavy rain will sustain a swamp.

[00:19:08] That maybe it's just kind of like... Just dry enough to get through. It makes me think of the wood in Sword and the Stone, where it seems like they ran like five feet in and everything became dark and treacherous and spooky. Like that.

[00:19:23] You come across a sort of crooked alley through briars and brambles that snakes toward a canyon, but stews in a stink like soiled coppers. The trail of the thistle-down girls vanishes here, and the way ahead winds before sharply turning into a ravine.

[00:19:41] Halfway, a cloud of flies cluster above the brush. It's the bog of eternal stench. Yep, they got eight. Let's go home. The mercenary turns around and begins to leave. No, I mean, I think I should totally put one of my one HP characters up front.

[00:20:00] The farmer, the local guy Amos, would probably be trying to like drive people ahead. I'll use my spyglass and look around. Intelligence check? Oh, I can roll dice. You can, yeah. That is part of the game. God damn you, Lucas. Let's all come back together.

[00:20:19] I've only used like three of these dice. That's a 19 on the die. That's a pretty good roll. And check is a 18. Interestingly enough, who is this? This is Seir, the astrologer. He's got a spyglass. For whatever reason, the astrologer has done, maybe it's the spyglass's help.

[00:20:38] Maybe he just is good at tracking things in the woodlands. You've been following the trail of the girls. It becomes obvious that you're only, there's only one girl on this trail now. Like the steps were heavy and now they're half as heavy, if that makes sense.

[00:20:56] It doesn't make sense to you, but... So at some point they split off or one just stopped running somewhere. Possibly. You can also with your spyglass see that in the area where you are seeing a cloud of flies, you are also seeing dark forms on the ground

[00:21:11] beneath said cloister of flies. Wow. I will send my grave digger to go check that out. As the grave digger moves forward, it doesn't take long to recognize the stench of death, as you might expect. So he sees some gangly creatures just under four feet tall

[00:21:34] with ochre skin, ropey muscles and pot bellies. Exaggerated features, beady eyes like balls of grease, gnarled noses, pointed ears and pronounced skull bones. They stink like rancid meat and according to the writer, quote, worse now that they're dead. So he stumbled across the bodies of six goblins. They...

[00:21:59] I'm beginning to dig in a grave. It's my only purpose. It's a jackpot, six graves in one day. Who's going to pay you? You take half, I'll take half. Every single one of them... I've got nothing else to do.

[00:22:14] Every single one of them either has an arrow through the chest or an arrow through the eye. You get the sense they didn't die here, they were piled here. Crudely made arrow? Nice arrow? No, solid arrow. Your gravedigger is local, right? Yes. An intelligence check for your graveyard?

[00:22:33] Oh yeah, that's right, two different cemeteries. My graveyard... My gravedigger is not local, I was tipped off that the local gravedigger might be being killed and they needed a new one. Rolled intelligence check for your gravedigger. Oh god. Well that's a zero I guess. It's a ten.

[00:22:52] Okay, you would recognize that these are fletched from the local... I think it's a boyer? The local arrow maker. So these arrows belong to someone who bought the arrows in Thorpe. Okay. Is it B-O-Y or B-O-W? B-O-W-Y-E-R. B-Y-O-B.

[00:23:14] The goblins are well kitted, appear to be clad in hide armor with blowguns, whips, daggers and slings. They also apparently have bags on them too. Is that armor something that would fit one of these other people? It's hide armor, yeah. I mean as far as I'm aware...

[00:23:34] Are goblins halfling sized? They're slightly under four feet tall. Dwarf sized. Yeah. A halfling could probably make it work, don't you think? We each got one. He's got a dwarf. Three of us could have armor on Bumper AC a bit, right? I don't know.

[00:23:53] Does anybody know how to use armor? Do you have to to wear it? Yes. Pretty sure. Because I don't think a wizard could put on a suit of armor. But you're not a wizard until level one. Right. You don't have proficiencies until level one. So probably doesn't.

[00:24:11] I'll also dig these... You said they had sacks? Yeah. What do we got? You see manacles, keys, rocks and feathers, small trumpets made of ram horn, and these sort of like... I'm going to say this word wrong. Is it basalt? Basalt? I've heard it. Basalt is...

[00:24:35] I used to collect rocks when I was in sixth grade. Of course you did. I found them in my parents' attic. I probably pronounced them wrong too. In sixth grade probably. So these basalt stones... Those rocks are vellum. Because that's a soft rock, I believe.

[00:24:50] It's easy to carve. So you'd use... You could make arrowheads out of them. They're sort of like... They're shaped sort of like... It's still a stone but it's very natural. It kind of reminds you almost of like a squash or something. Like it's shaped not naturally.

[00:25:07] Somebody carved it into a shape, if that makes sense. It's not like a perfect circle or a triangle or anything, right? But it's shaped into a somewhat squash-like appearance with a downward arrow along the neck of the squash. So someone took the time to carve these stones. Huh.

[00:25:29] They each have one stone. In the quick start rules, it says nothing. It didn't say anything about not being able to... I think you can start with armor as a random rule, can't you? Or as certain occupation? I have no idea. So that's what you find, Lucas.

[00:25:42] I'm almost certain that that's happening. I mean my mercenary might have armor. I don't know. Yeah, you wouldn't know until you scratch it off. That's kind of fucking funny. No, I don't need this armor. Jeff gets shot by an arrow. Probably a good idea. This is an armor?

[00:26:00] It's just thin cloth. Ideally at level zero, your AC is zero until you wear something, I assume. That mitigates that. Your AC is 10. Plus your dexterity. Correct. Plus minus or plus on? Plus minus. So yeah, you guys have options to, like I said...

[00:26:18] No, dex on your agility, I think that's what you mean. Hide armor, blow guns, whips, daggers, slings. Whips, whistles, chains, yo-yos. Manacles, they're really into BDSM. Whiskadoos, whiskadoos. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger and a duck.

[00:26:31] Manacles, keys, rocks, feathers, trumpets, a brand horn. I've got a backpack and a sack. I can start putting some of this stuff away if it's worth anything. It's up to you, you tell me. I'll take some of those. I'm going to take one of the rocks.

[00:26:46] Probably one of the horns. Yep, you got a rock and a horn. I'll take a horn and some manacles and keys on one. Sure. And a rock. Each of them have a rock? Yes. No, sorry, five of the six have a rock.

[00:27:02] I don't know why only five of the six do. I'll take three for two different characters. Okay. So that's the horn, I guess manacles and keys are kind of a thing. Nothing about armor? I'm looking. Kylie is the elder, she is 13. Maddie is slightly younger, she's 12.

[00:27:22] How big of a footprint have we been following? I don't think you'd be able to tell between the two girls. Maybe. Yeah, I'm still not seeing. Okay, any of these classes, it doesn't say they can't wear armor. Thieves don't usually wear armor because it affects their skills.

[00:27:43] Wizards rarely wear armor as it hinders spell casting. Yeah. It doesn't say anybody can or can't. It's just whatever negatives you take. Yeah, I'm not opposed to you guys wearing armor. What's the negative to height armor? Well, you get a plus three.

[00:28:02] Minus three is the check penalty for height armor. So if you get a plus three to your AC, remind me what the check penalty is for. It's for anything that armor would be a problem with.

[00:28:13] So like if we decide that it's like, oh hey, you've been thrown in the water and you now need to swim. It's minus three because it's heavy. We got six sets of armor, right? Yes.

[00:28:26] But it provides each of us, if each of us choose two characters we want to armor up. Why don't we do that? You want to split it that way? Yeah, sure. I'll put one on my half. Keep in mind your fumble die does go up to D12.

[00:28:41] What's the, what do you say? What was the check? Minus three. Minus three check penalty plus three to AC though. So it makes their AC of automatically 13. Or 12. That's a fair point. I'm not including the negatives. Oh good. I hadn't checked that we'd been recording.

[00:29:01] I'm glad to see we are. Yeah. We'll have to have some folks over on Sunday sometime, on a Sunday sometime to play mazes. I think Kieran would really enjoy that. Yeah, absolutely. That kid had no problem being a fucking murder hobo.

[00:29:15] Like I introduced the big bad and it was across the room and it was a floating ghost. And he's like, he's like, I yeet my ax at it. I'm like, of course you do buddy. 100% you do. I have no doubt in my mind you do.

[00:29:29] I would have to say he did like 11 damage on a 14 hit point monster. What are you rolling for? 74. What weapons? What weapons were they carrying? Dagger slings. Dagger slings, whips and blow guns I believe. Blow guns, whips, daggers, slings. And those go off of agility.

[00:29:54] This is basically, they're basically a Rihanna song at this point. Whips do. Umbrella, Ella, Ella. A, A, A. Neither of those songs actually are the one that apply. She was letting you know. Those are ammunition but I don't see the actual. Slings a D4, 40, 80, 160.

[00:30:26] Strength modifier applies to the damage for a sling. Uh, slings, daggers and what? Says if an attack is made with a missile weapon he adds his agility. Blow gun would be a missile weapon. I don't know if a sling would be a missile weapon. Yeah.

[00:30:44] Cause Lucas just read strength. Yeah well, the strength modifier applies to the damage. Oh interesting. Agility to hit, strength modifier to do damage. I guess that makes sense. Cause you have to aim so that would give you the agility but how hard you whip it.

[00:30:57] How many of each of these, every one of these has the stuff? Yeah they all have. They are well kitted out which is perhaps mildly disturbing. Like they're kind of a war party. Maybe not a war party but. How many shots do we get? A thematically appropriate amount.

[00:31:13] Correct. That is how nature works. There seem to always be stones everywhere. I guess it's 1d4. Plus strength for damage. I have a pile of river rocks out front cause we're moving some stuff around to try and make space to build the window down here.

[00:31:29] So we can each take two slings. Kieron kept coming over to me cause I was mowing and he was out in the front yard. He's like, Dad look at this gem I found. I'm like, buddy it's a river rock. Look how smooth it is.

[00:31:41] I'm pretty sure that this is insert random Minecraft reference here. I'm like, no buddy it's a river rock. It's cobalt dad. I've already got two people with daggers so I'm okay with that. I'm good. I'm not taking any. I'm taking a sling.

[00:31:55] I took my two armor and a sling. So two slings, two armor and then one of each. You said there were whips but there's not. Yeah it's whips not listed so I don't know what that's under.

[00:32:05] Whips are melee weapons inflicting 1d4 damage plus a DC 14 reflex save or be entangled. That's what it says. So you guys a whip? Well I'm gonna take all the funky rocks. There were five of them.

[00:32:24] You said you were going to take one, I'll hang on to the rest of them unless you guys want one. I took two technically. I think I was trying to look stuff up and didn't hear what the fuck. They're just like.

[00:32:35] They're carved stones out of basalt or basalt or basalt. It could be basalt. It's basalt. It could be ceremonial. I don't know it could be. It doesn't look like a weapon though right? No no no. It could be ceremonial. It's an art piece.

[00:32:54] It's kind of like you see an arrowhead. Somebody clearly shaped this. They shaped it into a sort of round squash like shape. And the reason I think it calls it a squash is because there's like a stem to this object.

[00:33:06] There's something that's been carved into the stem so it's a shaped piece. Demonic dildos? I mean. I'm not going to say no. I said squash not eggplant but I won't yuck your yum. You could have said eggplant would have been funnier.

[00:33:22] The book says squash and I'm not gonna go against MC Funk. So squash like an acorn squash or like a gourd? I think it's a gourd. These stones weigh 38 pounds apiece. You're carrying a god damn kettlebell. Is an acorn squash not a gourd? Yeah it is.

[00:33:40] But there's multiple kinds of gourds. It's not a squash. But you take care of them by eating salt. Could be summer squash. Could be summer squash. Could be zucchini. Yellow squash or zucchini squash? Zucchini squash would be the most delicate. You know what they all are?

[00:33:58] Shitty vegetables to eat. They are. Of course you do. Fucking trash Lucas. Stir fried. My favorite stir fried vegetable. Zucchini squash. Either a red or yellow bell pepper, mushrooms, broccoli. Yeah that sounds awful. And carrots. Good mix of veggies. The nice salmon on the side.

[00:34:23] That's why you didn't grow any taller. No I didn't start eating that until I was in my 30s technically. So that's when you have bad taste. That's why I gotta get blood worked on on Monday. Zucchini and broccoli in the same dish. I just can't do that.

[00:34:37] It's green with a green. Gross. I can eat plenty of green things. Zucchini or broccoli. No we're gonna keep talking over you. No I know. I was waiting for him to crack his beer because I wasn't going to start the description and end here.

[00:34:52] Snap his in the background. Fuck. Okay. Who's leading? Do we have a leader or several leaders? Or is the woodcutter still leading? The woodcutter or the cobbler one of the two? Harry the woodcutter is leading. I need an intelligence check from Harry the woodcutter.

[00:35:13] I gotta scratch off intelligence. Ah. Minus three. No way me no way me. He's actually a positive. No way me no way me no way me. I do have a character with a minus three.

[00:35:27] Every time we talk about Jeff scratching something off we need to get the sound of a wheel spinning. Or like the fucking. God what is that? The Price is Right. The price is right. No get the no whammies sound.

[00:35:41] Oh do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Don't get that sound just solo out me going do do do do do do do. Just a roulette wheel sound is that all you need?

[00:35:51] You can do a roulette wheel. Twelve. So you're entering sort of a canyon here right and as Harry the woodcutter begins moving forward it's not really it's not really a path per se.

[00:36:05] It's like I don't know if you've ever seen like a deer trail where like it's movement has happened here but it's not a cut trail.

[00:36:12] But as you're moving it's getting more rocky as you get closer to these ravines and the woodcutter would know there are canyons and shit all over the hills. So you suddenly like you know step off and nearly fall off a fucking cliff or something.

[00:36:26] So as you're moving through this sort of deer trail moves and it's getting a little wider and rockier here. You know that there are because he's familiar with the area there are ancient an ancient elven civilization lived out here.

[00:36:41] So like there are stone paths and stuff where the elves might have lived at some point you don't know exactly where they are but you've seen signs of it before.

[00:36:49] So the path is getting wider and more artificially cut as opposed to like the deer path that you've been following. Right.

[00:36:56] So here you're getting to a wide swath where the foliage has been cut out or removed and it's it narrows here by the way that the tree shape and you see a matting of like branches and leaves in like a 10 foot diameter in the path directly ahead.

[00:37:17] Do we need a chicken? You got a lot I think there's more dead bodies up there. I'll use my spyglass. It sounds like somebody's trapped in. What how deep of a valley is this?

[00:37:33] There are parts that that are like it's pretty what I want to say the topography is pretty dynamic so there are places where the hills get pretty deep. Just pull out my 10 foot pole I'll check it out. Stand 10 feet away and just. I know exactly. You could yeah.

[00:37:51] See what happens. You think it's a pit trap? That's kind of what it looks like. Bunch of darts. I'm also watching the tops of the canyon. You're not quite in a canyon yet you're still you're still forested. Okay.

[00:38:04] But you like it it's weird how he describes it I understand it on the map but like it's a very it's a very fantasy canyon in which that it doesn't function like a natural canyon it's like rooms in a dungeon you know what I mean like so.

[00:38:18] Okay so like it's not you're not descending in it's like kind of like how rivers kind of like have pockets where there are areas like like nature does that but. So what are we doing 10 foot polling it is that the idea. Yep.

[00:38:31] He is sticking his pole in the hole. Yes. Are you just the tip or like like ramrod on it.

[00:38:40] I'm not going to ramrod in case it's something explosive I just want to see if there's going to be like am I able to easily get put six inches of the pole through. Go easy. You have more than six inches being generous. It's real generous.

[00:38:55] Where are you where are you starting the insertion. Because it is a 10 foot wide. Presumable hole. Oh the front or the back. More than one left to the right. Which which degree out of three hundred and sixty are you starting right in the middle.

[00:39:10] I just say you start at the top and work your way down the top of it with my pole. No I'm like I'm going to be on the edge and I'm just going to probably grind in the edges what we did.

[00:39:20] Two feet out and I'm just going to do you're just going to jab it right in there. Yeah I'm just jabbing it in. That's horrifying. You know it's taken like a decade but I love the fact that Jeff now will go and grab a drink.

[00:39:36] Yeah I'm not drinking fucking angry orchard. Like wrong angry or drink. Oh there we go. Speaking of ramrod in the hole how you feeling there. But I'm good. The bikes at the perfect height. Welcome to my world. Yeah I was going to say I'm at Lucas's level now.

[00:39:56] You're just actually role playing your door. Welcome to my world. So as you like start sort of testing the presumed pit trap. You do feel that there is a pit that there is a there is a descent. So if you kind of start poking like left to right.

[00:40:17] So if I mean I just want to like swipe to the side see if I can't move. OK. Just to like reveal. Make me a. You know make a roll to push brush out of the way. Strength or agility. Right.

[00:40:34] It would be strength if he's not throwing something so. Maybe a strength check. Three. So you see him kind of swing this pole and he starts on one side and kind of moves.

[00:40:48] And as you move you the pole goes in and the leaves kind of crumble and you get the sense that there is a pit.

[00:40:53] But as you swing it towards center so I assume you start on the outside and are trying to sweep like left to right or right to left. You get to the center axis or whatever and you talk you hit something very solid. Got you. OK.

[00:41:12] Well like a clunk of wood against wood. You do get a clunk of like wood against wood. OK got you. OK. So like the wood cutter will go up and look. How so. Just he's going to look into the space that was cleared off. OK.

[00:41:28] You do see a pit trap but as you get closer to exam. What are they like bamboo poles. No it just appears to be a dug hole that's a trap.

[00:41:36] Although as you can see it appears that like two logs have been cleared and like flattened and they're almost bridging across the gap in the middle. Which is what lets the stuff probably. OK. So I mean that's what you see going around it. Yeah.

[00:41:57] We can find edge to edge around it. Yeah you can go around it if you want. Who which way are you going around it clockwise anti-clockwise both. Witter shins. Witter shins which is anti-clockwise. It is. Who's going first. Who is the leader. The woodcutter.

[00:42:18] Jeff make me an intelligence check. Fuck up. Four. Sweet that's a great roll. Don't fuck up. Who's right behind the woodcutter. I guess I would imagine I'm probably close because I was at the pit. I need those two characters to make me a reflex save.

[00:42:41] Jeff's got to scratch off his reflex save. I do. Just roll a one. Token's back boys. No I rolled a two. It wasn't a. I thought you nodded yes. I did roll one but it's because I have a modifier of minus one. Mine's not negative. Nine.

[00:43:05] All right so you guys kind of clunk this thing in the middle which like I said seems to bridge the hole. You say OK we're going to go around because we don't deal with the pit trap.

[00:43:13] As Harry the woodcutter goes around he feels something catch his something at ankle level and there's a snap above you. And he would be familiar with this.

[00:43:27] A giant wasp nest comes descending from the trees above you as you as you hit this this snare trap which you did not detect with your intelligence check. Shatters on the ground and they begin stinging the fuck out of the two of you within a five foot radius.

[00:43:44] I just start swinging my pole. Just clock him. So to the two people who did not make the DC 12 reflex save before the we're going to fuck off. Let's find out how many hit points he has because that's what's coming up next.

[00:43:58] They do one D for damage which I rolled a four. So those just automatically go through AC right. Yeah yeah they do. Start digging a grave. No I'm all I know to. Yeah yeah. One hit point. So you guys you see them walk around.

[00:44:20] For those on the podcast Jeff just yeeted the scratch off sheet. You got it. You got to at least scratch the rest of it off later. Now it's dead. Although I like Terry the woodcutter although I rolled I rolled topsies on a one D for damage.

[00:44:39] I guess the rest of the party is going to wait until Jail. They stop stinging Giles and then they're going to go pilfer the armor off of them. To make you re-roll. No I don't believe so.

[00:44:52] You could have spent it to fuck I don't know what they're used for anymore. I have to look it up. Could you spend it to make a better save. I mean it just adds to your roll doesn't it when you use fleeting luck.

[00:45:03] It doesn't let you roll again. It adds to your plus. I rolled a fucking one. I'm dead either way. So we're going to wait till the halfling is left alone and we're going to pilfer his 10 foot pole and his hide armor. That's fine.

[00:45:20] After a few minutes of aggressively stinging the fuck out of those two and they swell up like they had you know fucking drowned three damage. Yeah. Where is glasses. You all can continue on. Hang on I'm reading fleeting luck. He needs his glasses. It's been a long time.

[00:45:39] So now I have two characters with one HP left. I do need to get those like bar adventures. Man I love that. Jeff. I know you're reading so it's terrible. You can spend it as points of luck. So it's a plus one to your roll right. Right. Yeah.

[00:45:57] OK. I have a 10 foot pole. What's up. If you have a credit for audible. Yeah. Just recently came out. I've been talking about it but I don't think I was talking about with you. It's a new book called Conan City of the Dead. Fucking awesome.

[00:46:18] It's two stories in one book. I got through the first story. It was great. I have high hopes for the second story but I'm only a little bit into it. I would recommend.

[00:46:27] I don't know how much I've got you hooked on actual sword and sorcery like old school sword and sorcery yet but I'm going to keep trying. And that was a really really good. It's much less racist and rapey than a lot of other Conan stuff. Because somebody.

[00:46:42] Because somebody of the 21st century. I've actually been reading Terry Brooks. Oh really. Shannara. No. Magic Kingdom for Sale. Oh yeah. We don't get to talk a lot. You should talk to Alex a little bit because he is my buddy who we've been talking about books.

[00:47:05] He got me on. He got me on the Immortal series by Piers Anthony which is quite good. I listen to. No way. Death Riza. I think it's called the Immortal series. Maybe I'm a pale horse. Yeah. Which was really good.

[00:47:25] I haven't read any of the others but Lisa loves those books. I could see it's solid. Also picked up I'll let you know how it is. The Black Company which I don't know who wrote that but Arctic. I used to have like a bunch of those.

[00:47:39] Arc Dream said that they're going to do a fantasy based RPG and they've got the licensing to do Black Company. I can't remember who wrote that. It's supposed to be like a West Marches style D&D campaign where the Black Company spread out all over the place.

[00:47:55] So all the stories take place with different groups of this mercenary group doing this fantasy fantasy stuff. But it's something cook. They were written in the 80s and apparently like Detweiler and Glancy and like several of the guys have been like we don't really want to do fantasy.

[00:48:10] But if we do fantasy we would do Black Company. So apparently it's like Delta Green fantasy. Chris Cook. Something. I had three of them and each one was like it had like a trilogy in each book.

[00:48:22] Correct. It's like supposed to be but it's like yeah it's all in the same time frame but it's different geographically. So you're following the different companies do the different parts of the company doing different things. Interesting. It's supposed to be really fucking good.

[00:48:37] Anyway I almost did you a really dumb question. He's a he's a very I was going to ask you a very proud of your characters was your woodcutter like the best one. But you just have no idea. So you've been stabbed to death.

[00:48:47] You what did the remaining characters do after they see the Wasps viciously penetrate these guys over and over again. I was going to say Graves. Fortune and glory. I was going to say be the dead horse but same thing. Fair enough. Roll them into a pit. That's fair.

[00:49:09] Yeah so that nobody else takes their stuff first. Yep. You got any money. Well I should probably roll that. Scratch that. See what equipment you had. We need to know what you had body. Fucking died. You could go to a doctor.

[00:49:26] No it's the hard part is once I get started it's hard to stop and then it gives me a headache. Isn't there something about rolling the body. Yeah but not at zero level really.

[00:49:34] Like I've let you guys do it a few times because I'm like fuck if I don't give them a character back they're going to like not make it through the game. But you guys have been playing long enough you'll figure the fuck out.

[00:49:42] You guys kind of solved this trap and then you just kind of went eh we'll walk around. Which is fair I mean the big thing is that the. Seems like it wasn't printed very well underneath. I would expect it to stand out.

[00:49:57] Yeah he has a hand axe 50 feet of rope a bundle of wood and 29 copper pieces. It's not all like useless. No take the 50 foot of rope for sure or you can put it on. Well I guess you can hand write it on one of your other ones.

[00:50:12] So who's leading the party now that the woodcutter is dead. Hand axe is a D6. Well I assume Jeff is taking his character stuff so you might want to ask Lucas before you take his character shit. No I'm letting him know. Hand axe is D6.

[00:50:27] You grab that pencil like you were like ah. It's instinctive every time I look up something I grab my pencil. I do that at work. I have a jar of pens. You shouldn't do that at work.

[00:50:37] And then I grab a pin and click it and I'm like I don't need this. Getting in trouble with HR real easy with that one. You're grabbing a pin. I'm real confused. You lost me I wasn't paying attention. Every time I look up I grab my pencil.

[00:50:48] Oh sorry euphemism gotcha. I assumed it was a dick joke but didn't know for sure. I was half listening and half talking so. Who's leading the party now? Somebody else's characters. I'll put my guy with a spyglass in the front. Sweet. Seer? The astrologer? Seer.

[00:51:10] With an int of 4. Is he moving? Int of negative 1. Are you moving Wittershins around the pit? Well now that that trap is sprung we can. I'm not going to spring the other trap. So you all move around having tripped the trap and head on down the path.

[00:51:31] You walk for a little while. And the Briargrove's part ahead revealing a scene of desolated majesty in the high throat of the canyon. Paving stones of varied shapes arranged in an elaborate pattern form a boulevard between three pairs of weather worn vine snarled statues of elven guards.

[00:51:50] The stones are smothered in undergrowth their uncanny iridescence faded. Their sentinels cracked. Beyond the statues a stone archway drips with a gate of thorny vines that sprout pustulant fruits. That sounds disgusting. It does sound disgusting.

[00:52:08] The other thing that he I love the way like I really do enjoy the way he writes this because I think he takes a lot of stuff from like a lot of his descriptions are thematically appropriate.

[00:52:18] So he said there are three pairs of weather worn vine snarled statues of elven guards. When you pick picture in your mind statues of elven guards what do you think of? Elven guards? Yeah like you're picturing in your mind statues of elven guards.

[00:52:32] The opening scene of Lord of the Rings where they're all in line with the falcons. Right but like how big are these statues? I would say 12 feet.

[00:52:42] So just so you know the literal thing he tells me next that's in the DM notes not in the italics to read is that these 33 foot tall statues are made of basalt. And predate and predate humanity.

[00:52:56] So they're way more we're arriving in where is it Gondor where you have the things on the fucking sides of the wall.

[00:53:04] They're much closer to that than like what I would picture which is like you know eight foot statues on a plinth to make them 12 feet or whatever. So these things are fucking huge. So they're like half weren't they human statues on the river in.

[00:53:18] Yeah the ones given the high hole. I thought those were elven are they not are they not elves? No they're they're. Yeah those are those are human. Yeah they are yeah. It's a sealed door and what's his name? His dad. They make bookends of those guys.

[00:53:36] And I think that'd be fucking awesome to have a set of those. So anyway picture six 33 foot tall antiquated elven statues on this boulevard leading to an archway vines. Pustulate fruits etc. So these are comes across this first. These are like long abandoned statues is what you're saying.

[00:53:59] Yes. But the made of the same rock as the rock we picked up. Yes. So either that's just a prominent rock in the area or something else is going on. Are there any etchings or inscriptions on any of these statues?

[00:54:14] Just from afar as you're approaching they appear to be elven warriors because they are sort of like carved with having armor and weapons. They don't have the weapons drawn.

[00:54:26] They're sort of holding a hand aloft as if they're supporting the sun or some other celestial body in their palms. If they're holding something up. But no writing kind has been chiseled into. Not from a distance. Well yes Jeff do you have a comment? No.

[00:54:43] Did you cut yourself or is that a is that a like a blood pressure band? I meant to ask you. Just compression. He's gone lefty lately. What do they call it the stranger? Yeah you gotta sit on first.

[00:54:57] So anything that Seir or anyone else wants to do is your personal choice. No I would like to use my spyglass. Get a better look at the statue. You don't see any writing.

[00:55:09] I guess I've been going to the well a lot but he can make an intelligence check. Are there chunks missing where these other things have been made from? No they seem to be well intact. Oh that's a sex total. Yep looks good.

[00:55:25] There are three sets of pair right? Yeah there are three. And are they guarding different directions on the path? No they're kind of ceremonially placed. Facing each other? Yeah they're facing together with their palms outstretched. They're almost forming like an arch.

[00:55:44] The road runs between them so it's almost like they're forming arches. Like a wedding thing. Or the musketeers with swords over their heads. Correct. They're sort of building a portal of sorts. One of these days Jeff when I get that TV show. I say we go around.

[00:56:03] Yeah that worked last time. Go right ahead. If you're going to go through the gateway or the archway ahead you will have to kind of walk through. You could go behind them for sure but. I'm going to weave in between each one. Running a serpentine pattern. Serpentine pattern.

[00:56:19] As you begin to approach and look at which tactic to take. Probably looking into the trees for. That was a really good spin. Was that a marble? Who knows. For bee's nests. As you're looking for giant wasp nests. You hear an echoey voice.

[00:56:41] Seemingly coming from one of the statues. That screams show your stones and state your song. I dropped my pants. Our title track Bustin' Loose With Lead is used under Creative Commons Attribution for International License. And was produced by Jason Shaw at Audionautics.com. Like what you just heard?

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